Active Listening in Leadership: Beyond Words, Masking & Neurodivergence
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
Decode “It’s fine.” Discover why listening beyond words matters, especially in neurodivergent communication. Featuring INM & SNIP leadership tools.
Let’s start with a scene.
Your partner, arms crossed, smile a little too tight:
“I' m fine! Have fun on the trip with your friends. Don't worry about me.”
Internally every sensor lights up “ABORT MISSION. Do not proceed. Do not have fun."
The words say one thing, but the tone, the timing, or the body language communicates another. The point is not whether you should stay home or go out (with that friction). The point is that something beneath the surface is calling for attention.
This is what happens when content is delivered without its emotional or relational context. The words alone don’t capture the meaning; it’s the subtext, the nonverbal cues, the emotional charge that reveal what’s really going on.
Why “Bother” With All This?
This might sound unfair—but leadership is not about fairness, it’s about foresight
Yes—this is often controversial. Some will argue: “ But why should that be my problem? Isn’t it the other person’s job to express themselves clearly? Why should I do the extra work?” It’s the classic tension of relationships and leadership alike: do you want to be right, or do you want to be effective (happy)? But here’s the bigger question: wouldn’t it be far more sustainable to clarify what’s actually going on once, rather than stepping into the same hidden landmines over and over again? Imagine the freedom—not just to stay home this time, but to actually travel, enjoy, and know that both of you are aligned now and in the future.
Of course, it would be convenient if the other person always took the first step. But growth rarely works that way. In leadership as in relationships, waiting for others to unmask their needs can keep everyone stuck. What if you took the lead? That short inquiry not only stops a cycle of miscommunication—it signals psychological safety, models vulnerability, and clears the path for lasting clarity.
On paper, yes. In practice, psychology tells us otherwise. People often soften or disguise their needs due to social conditioning, fear of rejection, or learned masking behaviors (especially common among neurodivergent professionals). What looks like vagueness is frequently a survival strategy to avoid conflict, exclusion, or the perception of being “too demanding.”
Everyday Floskeln as Alarm Bells
In daily life, we learn to “read between the lines.” Yet in leadership—and especially when working with neurodivergent team members—these phrases can take on even more complexity. People may say “It’s fine,” “Don’t worry about it,” or “Doesn’t matter”—content without context—but the underlying reality may be fatigue, overwhelm, misalignment or a need for adjustment, but in coded form. The question for leaders is not whether to decode every sigh or pause, but whether they are willing to notice when something is off and create space for dialogue.
Strong leadership recognizes this dynamic and chooses to act proactively rather than defensively. By noticing early signals and inviting clarity, leaders prevent small frictions from escalating into disengagement, burnout, or silent resentment. Ignoring these signals may seem efficient in the moment, but over time it erodes trust. What could have been a five-minute clarifying conversation often turns into a months-long performance or retention issue.
This is the paradox: it feels like extra work to lean in and ask, “Are you really okay with this?”—yet this very initiative is what distinguishes transactional authority from transformative leadership. Leaders who take responsibility for bridging the gap between content and context build the psychological safety that allows people to speak openly in the future. That is what creates lasting trust, sustainable performance, and resilient teams.
What Gets Lost Between Words and Meaning
One of the most persistent illusions in leadership is the belief that people do not communicate their needs. In reality, they do—frequently—but signals get lost in translation and many people and leaders filter these signals through cognitive habits, organizational assumptions, or psychological defense mechanisms. This phenomenon is well-documented in psychological research. Cognitive filters such as selective attention, confirmation bias, and projection unconsciously shape what leaders perceive as relevant or credible (Kahneman, 2011; Nickerson, 1998). Emotional and organizational noise—such as stress, assumptions, and time pressure—further compounds this effect
As one coach insightfully summarized:“People tell you all the time, in all relational contexts. We just tend to hear only what fits what we already believe.”
This is precisely why “active listening” is not a soft skill—it is a structural leadership competency.
Active Listening as Transformative Presence
Active listening is the gateway to systemic enablement.
It is more than polite nodding or waiting for your turn to respond or checking mails during a conversation. It is the deliberate act of full presence:
Attention anchored in the moment.
Curiosity without judgment.
Sensitivity to both spoken and unspoken signals.
This form of engagement communicates psychological availability. It fosters the microclimates of trust where authentic dialogue can emerge (Edmondson, 1999; Goleman, 2006).
The impact reaches deeper than most realize. Neuroscience shows that emotionally intense moments—especially those involving recognition, empathy, or vulnerability—create emotional imprints that remain neurologically encoded (LeDoux, 1996; Immordino-Yang & Damasio, 2007). While negative imprints (exclusion, dismissal) erode trust, positive imprints (being heard, seen, valued) strengthen resilience and shape long-term motivation.
What Else Beyond Listening?
Listening is indispensable, yet it cannot stand alone. Some individuals cope and mask so effectively that even they may not fully recognize their own needs, or they may not feel safe enough to voice them directly. In these cases, waiting for explicit signals is insufficient. Leadership requires attentiveness to what is said, but also structural instruments that make the unspoken visible.
The INM Leadership Needs Index™ offers such a map: it helps leaders identify underlying psychological, relational, and professional needs, translating them into actionable design for roles and rhythms. Complementing this, the Systemic NeuroCognitive Indexing Protocol™ (SNIP) examines how people process information, regulate energy, and engage socially—without resorting to labels. Together, these tools provide leaders with a dual lens: one that highlights needs and one that illuminates neurocognitive patterns.
And this does not mean fulfilling every expressed wish. It means detecting when a relational or structural misalignment is present and choosing to engage before friction escalates into disengagement or burnout.
When paired with active listening, they transform leadership practice. Instead of depending on individuals to always articulate their needs directly—something that is not equally possible for everyone—leaders can integrate observation, structured reflection, and relational inquiry. This combination surfaces hidden friction before it grows into disengagement, and it anchors psychological safety as a systemic reality rather than a situational byproduct.
Ready to Put It Into Practice?
📥 Download Tools & Frameworks:A curated set of leadership tools—including the INM Leadership Needs Index™ and the Systemic NeuroCognitive Indexing Protocol™ (SNIP)—is available for you to explore.
📖 Coming Soon:For a deeper dive, my forthcoming book Gentle Leading & Neurodivergence: Strategies for Embracing Neurodiversity and Driving Workplace Innovation will be published with Routledge | Taylor & Francis Group.
TL;DR
In leadership—and in all relationships—people are always communicating. The real question is whether you are listening deeply enough to catch the meaning beneath the words. When leaders attune to both content and context, they prevent friction from escalating, build trust, and create the conditions for sustainable growth.
Because leadership that listens deeply means fewer abort missions—and more real freedom to move forward with clarity.
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