ADHD, ADD & AuDHD at Work- Part 2

The Invisible Effort – ADHD, Masking & the Myth of Laziness

So you think someone with ADHD just needs to “try harder”?

That they’re lazy, flaky, or unmotivated?

Let’s clear that up.

In this part of the series, we look at the unseen effort neurodivergent minds put into simply “showing up.”You’ll learn why things like deadlines, noise, or even answering an email can cost way more energy than it seems from the outside.

We’ll also unpack:

• The high cost of masking in work and social life

• Why many ADHDers appear high-functioning (until they crash)

• And why “just be consistent” is often the most damaging advice

If Part 1 explained what ADHD is, Part 2 shows what it feels like — especially when no one sees the work beneath the surface.

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🧯 Emotional Dysregulation: It’s Not “Overreacting” — It’s Neurological

Passion, panic, and the perils of a hijacked limbic system.

Let’s get one thing straight: emotional dysregulation in ADHD isn’t about being dramatic.

It’s about the brain reacting with a Ferrari engine and bicycle brakes.

The emotional center (hello, limbic system) lights up FAST — but the prefrontal cortex, the

logical moderator that helps you pause and choose your response, often shows up late to the

party… if at all.

What It Looks Like:

• Spiraling after minor feedback (“This could be better” = “You’re a failure”)

• Tearful reactions to perceived rejection — even if none was intended

• Outbursts in meetings, followed by deep regret and self-flagellation

• Intensity that feels like overreaction to others — but feels accurate to the person

experiencing it

The Actual Diagnosis (If You Want It):

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)Translation: emotional paper cuts that feel like gaping

wounds.

It’s not imaginary. It’s neurological pain from perceived criticism, exclusion, or failure — and it

hits HARD and FAST.

🧠 Why It Happens:

• ADHD brains have fewer “emotional buffers.”

• The fight-or-flight system activates rapidly in social or evaluative situations.

• There’s often no pause between stimulus and response — just a full-body YES or NO

from the nervous system.

🏢 Leadership Fallout:

Now layer this into a leadership context:

A founder in a boardroom hears a well-meaning challenge to their idea.Their brain processes it

not as “discussion,” but as “threat.”

Their voice rises. Their pulse spikes. They interrupt.

Ten minutes later, they feel deep shame and over-apologize.

Next week? They shut down entirely to avoid a repeat.

And the team? Confused. Tiptoeing. Disconnected.

It’s not a lack of emotional intelligence — it’s the overload of emotional input without

regulation support.

 Regulation Tools that Work (and Don’t Involve “Just Breathe”):

• Name it fast – “I feel activated, not attacked.” (This alone creates space.)

• Safe venting rituals – Walks, voice memos, or punching pillows with intent.

• Somatic regulation – Cold water, bilateral tapping, breath + body grounding

• Rehearse hard moments – Practice receiving feedback in low-stakes settings

• Develop a post-trigger script – “I noticed I got reactive earlier. Here’s what was happening

• for me.”

• Team norms for feedback – Clear structures + softer delivery = less nervous system chaos

• Emotionally aware coaching – Especially from ADHD-literate or neurodivergent-informed

pros

T

his isn’t about erasing intensity — it’s about building a better container for it.

When leaders understand their emotional wiring, they stop fearing their reactions — and start

mastering their responses.

Time Blindness: Deadlines, Dopamine & the Elastic Clock

If time is a river, ADHD brains aren’t in the canoe — they’re floating upstream on a pool noodle,

with no paddle, wearing sunglasses that block out calendars.

For many neurotypical brains, time flows predictably:

Morning → Deadline → Outcome.

For the ADHD brain? Time is either:

⏰ Now.

🚫 Not now.

That’s it.

The future is a vague concept — emotionally distant, not tethered to urgency until it becomes

very immediate. This isn't laziness or bad planning. It's a neurological mismatch between time

perception and executive function.

Why It Happens:

The ADHD brain struggles with temporal processing — the ability to estimate, feel, and

prioritize time.Instead of an internal clock, there’s more of an internal dopamine barometer. If

the dopamine isn't high enough, the task just doesn’t “exist” emotionally — until the pressure is

high enough to activate it.

In brain science terms:

• Low activation in the prefrontal cortex affects time estimation.

• Delayed gratification is difficult when reward systems need more immediate hits.📸 Real-World

Snapshot:

David Neeleman (Founder of JetBlue)

Diagnosed with ADHD, Neeleman openly shared how

traditional time and planning systems didn’t work for him.

So what did he do?

He built automated airline booking and scheduling systems — not just for others, but to

compensate for his own executive functioning challenges.

He didn’t try to "fix" time blindness.He designed around it — and in doing so, disrupted the

airline industry.

That’s the ADHD paradox:

The very thing that makes day-to-day planning difficult can fuel revolutionary innovation —

if you create systems that work with your brain, not against it.

How Time Blindness Shows Up in Daily Life:

• Chronic underestimation of how long things take

• Overcommitting because “that meeting is weeks away!”

• Last-minute panic sprints (and often… genius bursts)

• Feeling shame when others say, “You’re always late” or “Why didn’t you start earlier?”

Leadership Impact:

• May miss key milestones or need external nudges

• Struggles with delegating time-sensitive tasks

• Can cause tension with teams who rely on structure

• BUT: Often brilliant in high-pressure or short-deadline environments

• Stronger with crisis leadership than calendar-driven planning

Tangible Tools That Help (Not “Just Use a Planner” :

✅ Use visual timers (like Time Timer or Pomodoro apps) to externalize time

✅ Color-coded calendar blocks with alarms for transition times

✅ Build reverse deadlines (e.g. "the first draft is due before the due date")

✅ Design workflows that start with dopamine wins: small creative tasks first

✅ Body double meetings for “focus sprints” or co-working

✅ Turn deadlines into challenges, games, or public commitments

✅ Use AI tools (like auto-schedulers or smart reminders) that nudge — not nag

🧠 ADHD doesn’t mean you don’t value time. It means your brain doesn’t naturally feel its

edges. But that can be reshaped with the right scaffolding — and a lot more grace.

🌪 Sensory Overload & Environmental Chaos

When everything is “too much” — all at once.

Bright lights. Slack pings. Perfume in the hallway. Small talk about the weather.

Oh — and don’t forget the 37 open Chrome tabs, the slightly flickering overhead light, and the

coworker chewing gum like it’s a performance art piece.

For many neurodivergent brains, especially ADHDers, this isn’t a minor annoyance — it’s a

system overload.

Why It Happens:

The ADHD brain has a more porous sensory filter.

Neurotypicals often automatically tune out irrelevant noise. ADHD brains? Not so much.Their nervous system doesn’t ask, “Would you like to ignore that siren outside?”

It just serves up every input — equally loud, equally urgent, all the time.

It’s not sensitivity. It’s sensory saturation.

How It Shows Up:

• Snapping at harmless questions (“Do you have a sec?” = internal meltdown)

• Suddenly leaving crowded rooms without explanation

• Feeling exhausted after video calls — even if nothing happened

• Saying “I just need to be alone for a bit” and meaning it with your whole soul

Leadership Implications:

In the workplace, this can be easily misinterpreted:

• “Difficult temperament” = overstimulated nervous system

• “Avoids team events” = self-protective boundaries

• “Rigid about routines” = creating predictability in a chaotic world

What looks like aloofness or irritability is often just someone trying to stay regulated while

everything around them is turned up to 11.

The Paradox:

They may crave stimulation (music, high-pressure challenges, novel ideas)

AND need complete silence to finish a spreadsheet.

It’s not contradictory — it’s contextual.ADHD doesn’t come with one manual setting — it’s a

dynamic state, shifting with task type, environment, and energy levels.🔧 Sensory & Stimulus Hacks That

Actually Work:

✅ Noise-canceling headphones – for open offices and mental clarity

✅ “Do not disturb” visual cues – door signs, light indicators, etc.

✅ Stimulation rituals – music, scent, fidget tools before focus time

✅ Task batching – avoid switching between wildly different modes

✅ Zoom fatigue protocols – default cameras off, take audio walks

✅ Sensory reset zones – a quiet room, or even five minutes outside

✅ Permission to pause – calendar breaks, not just as-needed downtime

✅ Team communication norms – Slack ≠ emergency; asynchronous replies are okay

It’s not that neurodivergent leaders “can’t handle” busy environments.

It’s that they’ve been handling too much — too often — without enough recovery.

The solution isn’t to lower expectations — it’s to raise the quality of support.

❤ Relationships, Roles & Regrets

ADHD doesn’t clock out when the laptop closes. It rides shotgun into every role a person plays:

partner, parent, friend, colleague, leader.

It shapes how someone:

Hears Feedback

• A casual “Can we talk?” can spike anxiety.

• Constructive feedback may trigger shame spirals or defensiveness — not because they’re

fragile, but because rejection sensitivity is often sky-high.

 

Handles Conflict

• Either avoidance at all costs (“Let’s pretend it’s fine”)

• Or full-on emotional flooding (“Why do I feel like I’m under attack right now?”)

• Retrospective regret is common: “Why did I react like that? That’s not who I want to be.”

Shows Up Emotionally

• They may care deeply but express it inconsistently.

• They might zone out in conversations — not from boredom, but from overstimulation or

attention fatigue.

• Empathy is strong, but emotional regulation can lag behind.

Remembers the Little Big Things

• Anniversaries, follow-ups, birthdays, coffee dates.

• It’s not that they don’t care — their working memory just didn’t file it right.

• Cue the “I’m so sorry, I meant to text you” messages… again.

 This often leads to:

• Guilt about dropping the ball — again

• Being misread as flaky, self-centered, unreliable

• Overcompensating with big gestures, fast apologies, emotional intensity

• Strained partnerships where the ND person always feels “a step behind” emotionally

• Internalized failure: “Why can I lead a team but can’t remember to call my best friend

back?”

Leadership Relevance:

A neurodivergent leader might excel under pressure — but forget a direct report’s birthday lunch.

They may handle complex negotiations with ease — but completely miss a colleague’s

emotional cue in a meeting.

They’re not emotionally unavailable — they’re neurologically misfiring on timing, bandwidth,

and recall.

ADHD in Leadership: Real-World Scenarios That Hit

Too Close to the Boardroom

ADHD isn’t just about forgetting your keys or zoning out in a meeting.

In leadership, it looks a little different.

It sounds like “high performance” on the outside — but feels like cognitive juggling and internal

chaos behind the scenes.

Here’s how ADHD often shows up when you're the one running the room:

Communication

“I answered their question — but forgot to send the actual file.”

“I started the meeting with an analogy, told a childhood story, forgot the point, and somehow

we’re now talking about snacks.”

“I re-read the team’s message five times. Still no reply. Not because I didn’t care — I just couldn’t

make the first move.”

Time & Task Management

“Blocked off three hours for deep work. Used them to reorganize Google Drive folders.”

“My meeting started 3 minutes ago and I’m still mentally in the last one.”

“I gave a TED-worthy presentation... and then missed the follow-up deadline by two weeks.”

Delegation & Follow-Through

“I delegated the project — but still reviewed every slide ‘just in case.’”

“I told them ‘great job’... and then re-did half the spreadsheet at 1am.”

“I meant to empower them, but I keep jumping in because the silence makes me anxious.”

Emotional Regulation & Feedback

“They said ‘this could be clearer’ and my brain heard ‘you’re incompetent.’”

“My team gave me constructive feedback and I didn’t sleep for two nights.”

“Someone pushed back on my idea and I went full courtroom defense mode.”

Executive Dysfunction in Disguise

“I told myself I’d respond to that email... 4 days ago.”

“I crushed a keynote on stage — then spiraled over a text I forgot to reply to.”

“I know what I need to do. I just can’t start. So instead I rearranged my calendar again.”

These are not leadership flaws.They're executive function signals — and in ADHD leadership,

they show up loud, messy, and often misunderstood.

Supportive Shifts That Help:

• Assume care, not carelessness

• Use shared calendars, reminders, or collaborative to-do systems

• Offer feedback with clarity, not tone ambiguity

• Normalize ND rhythms in team culture — it reduces shame and raises trust• Give space for repair when emotions flare — and make that a strength, not a failure

🧠 Being ADHD in a relationship — personal or professional — is not about not caring. It’s

about caring so much it hurts, but your brain won’t always let you show it in the right moment.

Working Memory Wipeouts: “It Was in My Head…

Until It Wasn’t”

You’re in a meeting. You have something insightful to say. You’ve rehearsed it in your head three

times. Your moment comes. You open your mouth…💨 Gone.Vanished like a Snapchat message

from 2012.

Welcome to the working memory chaos of ADHD.

This isn’t forgetfulness in the classic sense. It’s more like a RAM overload. The idea was there.

But by the time the spotlight hit, your brain had quietly dragged it to the recycling bin.

Why It Happens

ADHD doesn’t mean you don’t have memory — it means your recall system is flaky under

pressure.

The brain’s short-term “holding zone” (a.k.a. working memory) is limited, especially under

stress, distraction, or if there’s emotional weight attached. The more tabs open (internally or

externally), the faster your brain drops the ball.

The result?

• You forget what you were about to say — even if it was life-changing.

• You leave that coffee cup in the microwave. Three times.

• You swear you followed up — but never hit send.

How It Shows Up in Leadership

🗣 In meetings: Great ideas vanish the moment it’s your turn to speak.

📧 In communication: You remember reading the email. You even remember planning the

reply. But… the reply? Never sent.

🧾 In task management: You forget steps in multi-stage tasks — especially if they aren’t

written down or visible.

🪞 In relationships: You forget to follow up, respond, or check in. It looks like apathy. It’s

actually invisible cognitive friction.

And because it’s intermittent (you do remember sometimes), the inconsistency feels like a

personal failing.

Real-Life Snapshot

Tara, a founder with ADHD, keeps a notebook on her at all times — not for journaling, but for

thought capture.

If she doesn’t write it down as she’s thinking it, the idea’s shelf life is shorter than a TikTok

trend.

In one week, she forgets a VC follow-up email — but remembers the emotional nuance of a

conversation from four years ago.

This is the paradox of working memory dysregulation: deep memory? Rich. On-demand

recall? Chaotic.

Tools That Actually Help (Not Just “Write It Down”)

✅ Externalize Everything

Use collaborative tools (Notion, Asana, Google Docs) to “offload” mental tabs in real time.

✅ Visual Memory Cues

Sticky notes, visual kanbans, post-its on your laptop — the goal is: don’t trust your brain to store

the thread.

✅ Voice Notes + Quick Capture

Use tools like Otter, voice memos, or Slack yourself ideas before they vanish into the void.

✅ Verbal Signposting

Say aloud in meetings: “I had a point — let me circle back in a second.” That buys your brain

processing space.

✅ Build Redundancy In

Set double reminders: one for the task, one for the check-in. Reminder #2 is the real one.

✅ Normalize Nudges

Create team or peer norms: “It’s okay to check if something slipped — no shame, no blame.”

Leadership Shift

The goal isn’t to “fix” your memory — it’s to build a scaffolding that holds your brilliance.

High performers with ADHD often don’t lack vision. They lack trusted retrieval systems.

Once that’s in place?

They stop spending energy on remembering — and start spending it on leading.

🔚 This Is Not Laziness – It's Hidden Effort and Emotional Exhaustion

If you’ve ever felt like you’re working twice as hard just to look “functional,”or if you’ve judged someone for missing a deadline, showing up late, or “not caring enough” —this part was for you.

Now you know: masking, unmet needs, and invisible friction are not character flaws.They’re survival strategies in systems not built for neurodivergent minds.

👉 Coming up in Part 3:

We’ll go even deeper into the day-to-day experience:How ADHD shapes your thoughts, your energy, your inconsistencies — and why the story changes once you see what’s actually happening behind the scenes.

And yes: the full 9-part series will be downloadable as a full leadership guide once it's complete.

Book: Gentle Leadership for Neurodivergent Minds

📥 Stay tuned or subscribe here.